Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize