Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize