Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
