Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
