I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it hurts more in the daytime
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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