Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
