my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
