Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
