if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
