Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
