I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
