If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
