i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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