I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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