I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
