my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
