The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
