I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
