we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
