i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
