Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
