I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
