i permit you to call me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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