Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
