I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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