I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
