I am spending my child support on dildos
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
