The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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