My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
