I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
