Soap is not a condiment
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
