Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
