So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
