Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize