My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I faked an abortion last night.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
