I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
