Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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