i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
