you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
