I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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