The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
is that a dick in a sweater?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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