On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize