the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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