my mouth tastes like poor choices
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
