yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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