I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
