You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize