All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
