I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
