His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize