fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
