Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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