I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
