literally had 100 drinks last night.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
