I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize