Your face is a jimmy john
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
