Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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