i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
