my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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