someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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