there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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