I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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