he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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