your room smells of hookers.
And success
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
