The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Boobs are out for the taking
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
