cat food counts as protein by the way
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
