finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
