I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
