matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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