woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
